All I've ever been, was exactly who I am.

I'm so emotionally distraught at this exact moment in time, I feel so nauseated it's slightly rediculous. It was one of the best nights I've been a part of in such a long time. One of those nights where I was no one but exactly who I am. I was surrounded by good friends and honesty. However, it must be against some law for me to be able to be happy for any amount of time. It's great to have friends; but it's only great if they're true friends. In life, there are people who are only concerned about themselves, and they will do whatever it takes for them to feel good about themselves and be happy. As it seems, I live with four of them.
I've been single for a good period of time now. To be completely honest, I'm quite okay with it; I find that relationships get quite complicated quite quickly, from my past experiences. I'm not completely uninterested in the male species by any means, but I'm not exacly going out of my way in order to find "the one." If a guy expresses interest in me, which happens quite rarely but that's not the point, I don't tend to analyze it too harshly. I'm now contemplating analyzing those situations a touch more now though.
I recieved an annonymous tip from a friend this evening, informing that my roommates are scheming against me. I learned that they are trying to find a guy to pretend to be interested in me, make me fall for him, and then break my heart. Slightly brutal in my eyes.
What I don't completely understand is the "why" aspect. What on earth have I done to deserve such punishment, for lack of a better term. I suppose if it were truly a punishment, I would much rather be grounded for a month or be spanked, sent to my room and have my internet priviledges taken away. What is it that I have done for such hatred to be posed upon me? Apparently I called the roommates sluts and blocked them on facebook. Well, if that doesn't sound like a 13 year old girl response, I'm really not sure what does. Yes, I blocked them from reading my posts and viewing my pictures. I apologize for not allowing you to creep my entire life, but too damn bad. I also may or may not have referred to them as sluts, I apologize for that; however, I'm quite certain that the term describes them quite well. Kill count competitions, "sexcapades" and setting goals to bring guys home from the bars; how else would you describe that? It's just name calling, but does it really compare to heart break and complete embarassment?
I really cannot wait for April. I can't do this anymore. The tears streaming down my face need to cease and I need to move on with my life.

Feels Like I Spent All This Time Talking To Walls.

Ever had one of those days where there seems to be a million thoughts running every direction in your mind? That would be today for me.

I have myself convinced I'm going to be fine alone for the rest of my life. I believe it too, for the most part. Then my thoughts move on to my roommates. As I sit up in my room, alone, reminents of their mindless conversation walk up the stairwell into my empty room. It honestly amazes me at what nonsense comes out of their mouths. If I said some of the same things, I would feel absolutely stupid and would probably be able to feel my brain turn to mush. I don't understand how people live their lives like that. I feel dirty just listening to it. I guess some people require a lot of attention and if they don't get it then they find ways. It sounds absolutely rediculous; not to mention dangerous and dirty. I just don't get it; would someone care to explain? I'd also love to know why the male species tends to be attracted to those females. Or why males have the tendancy of leading females on. It's not fair; and yes, I'm aware life isn't fair but I wish I understood. And that is just a very small portion of the thoughts racing through my head. I'd love for things to slow down for a bit, but they never will.

Oh, and for the record only about three more months until I get to escape this hell on earth.

Nothing Is Ever As It Seems

Have you ever had someone who you thought was your friend, but truely wasn't; but you didn't realize until it was "too late?" You've gotta love those friendships. Friends are supposed to be there for you when you need it most. But of course, when you're having the worst day of life (or what seems like it) those "faux amis" are the ones who are kicking you when you're down; which in turn only makes things worse. What are you supposed to do when this is the case? Stay positive. So much easier said than done; especially when you live in a house with 5 other females who have seemed to band together to make your life miserable. Nothing ever surprises me anymore, really, it doesn't. One could hope that it gets easier, but it never seems to. Positivity seems like only a figment of a distant memory currently. So much for "making the most of these four months."

The best part of the situation, is when I make the dreaded trip down the stairs for whatever reason; now I can hear them having a conversation and laughing amongst themselves, however, when I set foot down the stairs a haunting slience falls on them. It just makes me feel so great about myself; I mean really, who wouldn't!?

I didn't even do anything or say anything to them. The start of this hell commenced yesterday, I finally hit my breaking point and left last night. I've never fit in here. I never claimed to, either; I attempted to, but with no success. Last night was when everything I had bottled up inside of me, finally decided to burst. I had to leave. Being miserable and alone was not a good option last night. I thank God that there are a miniscule few people in my life that I can rely on. So, I threw together the necessities for the night and walked out the door. Did I hurt anyone by doing so? Well, not in my logic, but I obviously did something wrong.

I really have a difficult time understanding the logic of people sometimes. I apologize for not wanting to tell you my flaws, aspirations, problems and family history; but sometimes its just none of your business. I'm currently feeling horribly miserable and alone. Only four months to go, and I'm done. Let's hope for the best.

This Is It

In the words of Michael Jackson, "This Is It, Here I stand. I'm the light of the world, I feel grand." A week ago I entered in to the final semester of college. It feels very bittersweet; I really enjoy that this is the last semester of school, but I will miss these people so much (for the most part.) I'm very excited to no longer have a massive student continuing to grow. I am not excited to have to move home, due to the massive student debt I must now pay off. It is, what it is, though.

These past two years have been quite the experience and I have grown as both a person and a pharmacy technician. It's strange to think this is the last time I'll ever be a student. Unless of course, I decide to go back to college in a couple years for nursing. However, these last 4 months I will be living to the absolute fullest and making as many memories as I possibly can. Let's make it the best four months of my life.