See My Eyes; Don't See What I See.

So, I went for my second injection of Avastin yesterday. & let me just say one thing. HOLY SHIT IT HURT. Way more than last time. And today it looks absolutely not nice.

Although last night when I took a look at it when I finally got home from London, it looked absolutely disgusting.

I seriously hope it looks better tomorrow, since I have to go back to work. In addition to looking like crap, I still have no vision in that eye.

I go back to the specialist in 3 weeks for more tests and to get more pictures taken. We'll also book my surgery. I'm getting rediculously nauseously nervous. Unfortunately, I'll be awake through the surgery, so that is not helping my anxiety. I just hope with everything I have that, after surgery, I will be able to see again. It's so hard knowing that only a few months ago I could see fine out of both eyes... and now there is possiblity of never seeing through my left eye ever again.

Judge of Character

Ever had one of those days where you're just miserable no matter what? You don't even have a reason to be miserable, but you are anyhow. Yeah, welcome to my night. I don't know what the hell is up with me. I definitely need to watch what I say tonight or I could seriously offend someone. I think it'll be an early to bed night. I was fine at work too. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? It's not that time of month. Maybe I'm just tired.

On another note; I'm probably getting fired tomorrow. Well, I keep saying that but ultimately I'm sure I'll be ok; however, I do have my 3 month probabtionary performance assessment tomorrow. I'm really nervous, but I don't think I've done anything to deserve being let go. It doesn't help that my actual supervisor is on holidays and all the management drama going on right now, is all adding to my nervousness/anxiousness.

I think I really just need to sleep. Like drug myself out and really sleep. So, good night.

Something I've always wanted.

It's always amazed me that no matter how many hundred friends you have on facebook, you can still be lonlier than you could ever imagine.

Seriously though, I've always tried to be there for my "friends," & I've always thought I'd been pretty successful. Although, I'm the one sitting alone in my house on a Friday night. In fact, I'll be alone all day tomorrow for my day off too. I can feel myself falling back into this horrible depressive rut. As much as I hated London, I miss it too. I miss always having people around. The people I've called my friends for many years here have drifted further and further apart. It's funny though, how if one of them has a problem or needs something I'm there for them. But, when I need a friend, I'm shit out of luck and usually a "selfish bitch."

I'm an extrememly social person. I feed off of other people's energy. With me being quarantined, so it seems, from the world I'm feeling really upset and alone lately. I really just want to have friends. Friends I can count on, friends I can trust, friends who want to spend time with me. I didn't think I was a bad person but obviously I'm doing something wrong. Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fucking fix it?