You Should Have Known...

It seems like this entire scenario is set to rewind and replay on an almost weekly basis. She's got them wrapped around her finger. They think they're playing her; but in all serious reality, they never had a chance. Some of them deserve exactly what they're about to get; but in some rare cases, I feel as though they deserve better. They really should know its coming though; its not a huge surprise anymore. I wish I was in her place sometimes; although I know deep down this is all some twisted way of expressing frustration, sadness, and anger. I don't want to be too analytical, but there must be some reason for this sort of expression. There is always an underlying cause for all deviant behaviour.

I'm sure you're all thinking it. I'm jealous. Well, lets be honest, I may be slightly jealous. Everyone loves attention from the opposite or same sex (depending on personal preferences.) I do feel as though there is typically a limit to how much attention one should want. I'm worried about her also. I'm sure everything will be fine, but there are always complications and risks. I'm also worried about how this may be psychologically affecting her.

I feel as though sometimes, I analyze other people more than I should. I'm interested in this though; how other people's brains work. I'm in an overly insightful mood at the current time. However, I have a final in 8 hours, so I feel as though I should be utilizing that short period of time more efficiantly.

Sweet Dreams. xo

& It Was Enchanting To Meet You;

It's another one of those, "sit back and reflect" days.

It's been two years since my grampa passed away. It's not easier, its just less in your face. I miss him a lot; and when I sit down like this and think about it, I still get teary-eyed. I can't believe how much has changed since then. I can't wait to go home to visit him. It's been almost a year since I've been there. I wish I could go more often, but being an hour an a half away doesn't help anything. My gramma is doing so well; although I regret not calling her on the fifth. I'm sure she would have loved to hear from me. I miss being next door to her; being able to talk to her everyday.

This past month has been a long one. I turned twenty-one, rekindled an old friendship, took a journey to a far off place and made the familiar mistakes I'm used to making.

My birthday was one of the best I've ever had. I had so many people come here from other places to celebrate with me. I appreciated it so much; I needed some home ties. We got dressed up and danced like there was no tomorrow. The night is a slight blur in time, but I remember every minute of it. I managed to take a leap of faith that lead to the loss of trust, self respect and a good friend. I think back on that night and try and imagine what it had've been like if I would have stood up for what I used to believe in; but let's face it, we grow up, we make mistakes and our morales change.

The following weekend my best friend and I hopped on the Greyhound and headed to Toronto; more fantastic memories. I don't think I would change any part of that weekend. I finally got a chance to see Wicked, the musical. It was beyond amazing, it was Wicked. We explored and managed to walk the whole of Toronto. I met some fantastic people that weekend; I'll likely never meet any of them again but they showed me what it is to be exactly who you are. You guys are such an inspiration to me; I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Also whilest in Toronto, I was able to visit an old friend. I hadn't had the opportunity to see her in well over 5 years. We met while on our student exchange in Switzerland; in the washroom of the Gymnase de Burier. When we came home, we both went out seperate ways. We were able to communicate via the internet and cellular devices; but being able to see her after so long felt so great. Unfortunately it was a short-lived visit; once we parted again I wondered when I'd see her again and I felt a small void. It just made me reminisce on all of the fantastic times we had, had in the past. She's one of the best friends I could ever ask for; even miles apart she's always there for me.

November was quite a productive month. I Look forward to what the rest of Decemeber brings. Although, if its anything like what we just went through; I would like to surrender immediately.

The past five days here, have been absolutely rediculous. We survived "Snowmaggedon" as they're deeming it. We managed to acquire nearly 100cm of snow in a meer three and a half days. The other day and a half were spent trying to dig out. College was closed, local city buses stopped running and the mayor nearly declared a state of emergency. Sheer chaos ran the city for a while. Needless to say, we've managed to survive; although we still have a lot of snow removal to do.

Exams are next week. I'm a little horrified however; I have a pharmacology exam worth 35% of my final grade, and its only 20 questions. The term "Make it or Break it" comes to mind. Wish me luck!

Whataya Want From Me?

Why am I having such a hard time making my mind up?! I want to just jump, but for some reason, I'm having a horribly hard time doing that. I don't understand why I'm so afraid. It seems like everything I want. Or though I wanted. Maybe I just don't know what I want. That should be my first priority. One day its a go. The next it's no no NO! I just need to figure it out. I don't want to hurt him. I'm so afraid of having a repeat of last year. It was the worst year of my life. I just need time.

Fire Trucks and Water Wings

I felt like this week would never end. It was going well until I got sick; then it got even worse when our house flooded. Smoke alarms going off at 430am is NEVER a good sign. Stepping out of my bed into a puddle is also never a good sign; unless my bed is outside in a rain storm. Turns out all the water shorted out the smoke detectors. We called 9-11. The fire fighters turned off our hydro and water, due to the numerous hazards this created. The management company of the townhouses are huge idiots. I wish I never moved in here. I wanted the ONE bedroom apartment away from here. Now we're living in a different townhouse in the sketchier part of the area. I'm almost finished unpacking. Thank gosh.

Lesson of the day. Even though I say I'm okay at being alone forever, I'm not. I want to be with someone eventually; but I don't think it'll ever happen. This terrifies me.

Best Friends and Backstabbers

I'm definitely having the worst week I've had in a while. I love when people who you think are your friends, really aren't. I'm pretty green when it comes to the whole mating game. I'm not the type of girl to just dive in and go for gold. I typically enjoy getting to know people before I sleep with them. I met this guy last week and I came to the quick conclusion that I'd love to know him. I also made a point of informing my roomies/friends so that I wouldn't get screwed over. Apparently, that doen't work. Now one of my friends is going for him, wben though she's got a boytoy. She's the type of girl who could have any guy she wants; skinny and gorgeous. Of course the guy I was interested in, is now falling "in like" with her. Screwed over. Again. I'm so done with this crap.

The Longest Short Week Ever...

Why does it seem as though this short, 4 day week, lasted about a month? I seriously felt as though it was severely dragging. It was horrible, flat out horrible. Let's do a quick run down of my first week back at college, shall we?

Tuesday
I started out the week strong at 6:30am; sounds fabulous doesn't it? Not particularily, however, I think that the excitement of seeing some of my friends for the first time in four months shook that exhaustion. It starts out with a thrilling 3 hours of Hospital Pharmacy I, with my personal favourite Ms. Hale, at 8:00am. If you survive that part, you have a 3 hour break between classes. Then at 2:00pm we got to go back and reminisce with our favourite prof, Mr. Cottrell for Pharmacology II. (I cross my fingers that you sensed the sarcasm in my voice, FYI.) We get to end our school day with Self-Care Practices II with the one and only Ms. Frances at 4:00pm. If she doesn't make your day, I don't know what will. (Again with the sarcasm.) It's not that she's a bad teacher/person, she's just a little out there.

Wednesday
Day two of this week also starts out at 6:30am, and for some reason it seemed even earlier. Wesnesday is going to be the longest day ever I believe. We have one sinlge 4 hour class at 8:00am; and this particular class is a personal nightmare for me. It's called Sterile Procedures I. Sounds absolutely horrifying, yes? Well maybe not for everyone, but for me it's going to be awful. Why, you ask? Well I have a severe phobia of needles; and that is the basis of the course. To make it even better, it's a two semester course. So, if I do survive these 14 weeks, I have to do it all over again in January. Long story short, I didn't do so well this week. I think I need to meditate or take some sedatives before class.

Thursday and Friday are both placement days. Which means, I don't have class, only my placement. For me, I have placement Monday 5-9pm, Wednesday 4-8pm, Thursday 4-8pm and Friday 4-8pm. I get jipped because my pharmacy took on a pharmacy student from the University. I have the entire day to myself, but then the night time, when I would be getting ready to go out with friends, etc, I am stuck working.

Then it's finally the weekend. I was hoping for a great weekend but honestly, it's been the worst weekend ever. I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do about it... I am praying that this week goes a lot smoother.

Good Bye Norfolk, Hello London!

Well, it's my last day in Norfolk County today! It's beyond exciting. I cannot wait to get to London; I get to see my friends who I haven't seen in SO long. I get to decorate a brand new place. I can't wait to show off how it looks!

Plans for today:
-last minute packing
-work my last shift at the Pharmacy
-hopefully get together with Bri

Yesterday my brother moved to Welland for school. It was probably the most exciting day of my life. Now, I know that sounds absolutely horrible, but I really needed time away from him. I hope he enjoys his time away, but he really has a lot of maturing to do.

This will hopefully be the last time I move out of my house here. I am going to be giving it my all in order to stay in London. I do not want to come back to Norfolk. I can't do it, I need to go out and explore the world on my own.

So, the next time I write, I will be in my new house.
Have a safe and happy Labour Day Long Weekend!

Missed Me, Missed Me; Now You Gotta Kiss Me!

Anyone else used to say that little phrase when they were like 5, when they played tag or other games like that? I'm not really sure why it popped back into my mind, but it did.

So, I realize it's been about 7 or 8 months since I last wrote. A lot has gone on actually. I successfully completed my first year of college. Moved home for the four months of summer. Now, it's time to move back to school! I am beyond excited! It's been a pretty decent summer actually. I worked at the pharmacy all summer, but due to recent pharmacy laws and cut backs of hours, I didn't work all that often. It left me time to have a nice summer outside for once; I have a legitimate tan this year; which is very exciting to me.

I had many fall-outs with friends this summer. I'm not sure what happened, who changed, or what was the main cause of them; nonetheless, they happened.
First was Melissa. I saw it coming, it was like a head on collision waiting to happen. I think it was just that we spent way too much time together and it pushed us apart.
Next was Sara. After the Melissa issue, she tried to blame everything on me, and attempted to get everyone she could on her side. Did we rewind to back when we were 5? Apparently. Sara was one of Melissa's evil mignons and the next fall-out.
After Melissa and Sara, there were a number of larger, yet temporary fights between friends. We ended up making things work, but they were pretty intense arguements.
The most recent fallout was a two for one special. I definitely saw this one coming, but it never made it any easier. Brett and I became friends last yearand we had become quite close over the summer. When I left for college it was hard, but I thought everything would be okay. First semester was hard but things worked out alright. It involved many late night phone calls and a few visits on weekends. We spent a lot of time together over winter break and I thought everything was great. Once second semester began, we started to drift farther and farther apart. When I came home from school for the summer we spent a little bit of time together. Suddenly, he was always busy, never had any time to spend with me. He began to change. He was seeing a new boy and apparently needed to change EVERYTHING about himself. I didn't see him until about a week ago. He invited me over and when I got there discovered that his boyfriend was there also. Whatever, I didn't mind at all, until I also discovered his boyfriend was under the influence of substances to be left un-named. He was acting like a complete jackass and was utterly impossible to be around. I had hoped that Brett could sense that I was very irritated. However, I don't think he did. It was like that was his way of pushing me away. Like he never wanted to see me again. He knows that I am very against some certain substances; and while I was there, his boyfriend was pushing the substances in my face continuously. I was absolutely furious, but I was also completely crushed. I realize it happens on a regualr basis; where best friends drift away due to new relationships. This one just stung more than usual.

Throughout all of the bullshit this summer, I could always count on Bri to be there for me. Last summer was when her and I had the blow-out of all blow-outs, but we reconciled our friendship and it's now stronger than ever. I had an amazing summer with her. We spent a lot of time together and she helped me out a lot. I knwo I can always depend on her and I hope she knows she can always count on me as well. We spent a lot of time at the beach or swimming at my house or just driving, but it was so much fun! I love that girl, and its going to be hard this September because she's going to be attending college in a different city than me... I'm going to miss you, Bri!

Also this summer, I have been continuing my weightloss journey. Quick recap. Last September before beginning school I weighed over 300 pounds. Currently I weigh 270 pounds. I feel a lot healthier already, but I'm hoping to continue my weightloss this year!

I suppose with everything that happened this summer, it has all made me a stronger, happier and better person. It's been quite the ride, but I wouldn't have changed anything really... Everything happens for a reason.

According To Him...

I cannot believe that the winter break is pretty much over! It's absolutely unbelievable. Everything is just flying by. As I sit here, I am multi-tasking by writing up my resume and cover letters, as tomorrow I am going to all ten or so, pharmacies around town to drop off my round one of resumes and coverletters. I reall would like to obtain a summer job in a pharmacy, so I can 1)gain experience and 2)NOT WORK at MCDONALD'S. haha I am absolutely terrified though! D: The thought of interviews, etc. terrify me. I always get SO nervous and screw up the interview EVERYTIME! I have no idea what to do about this. If you have any ideas, I am up for trying just about anything.

GREAT NEWS. My ex from two years ago and I are gonna try things again. :D It's not official or anything like that yet but soon, I hope. I ended things last time because I wasn't ready for a relationship. I am definately ready now and truth be told, I kind of missed him.. I don't know. I'm very content right now though. Updates to come!

So Don't You Worry About Me.

I have come to the conclusion that running the dishwasher and taking a shower at the same time is a terrible idea. Unless of course, you enjoy becoming drenched in icy water when all you really want to do is rinse the conditioner out of your hair. ANd why is it that once you turn the shower head off, the water coming out of the faucet is hot? Oh, the important questions of life. You would think that after countless years of taking showers while the dishwasher was running, I would learn to wait but alas no.


It's just about time for the blow up... Here we go again.

Goodbye 2009;; Hello Memories...

So another year has come and gone and frankly I'm unsure of how I feel about it. For me, 2009 was full of drama and a lot of life lessons learned with a few happy moments sprinkled on top. Let's recap the year, shall we? I went back to highschool! WOW. That was interesting; but very worth it. I went back for Chemistry and Math, both of which I needed to get into college and I excelled in I might add. Over the next little while, I applied to four or five different colleges and worked at numerous part-time jobs earning money in order to get to college. Then the days came where I recieved ALL of my acceptance letters. I was so thrilled-my parents, not so much. All I got from them, was a "you can't go to college without money." This completely broke my heart, I was so proud of my accomplishments and was expecting a blessing from my parents. I suppose that this was something that pushed me to earn everything myself in order to get myself to where I am now. About a month later I recieved a letter congratulating myself because I had won a scholarship paying for my first year of tuition. Again I was so happy and relieved, especially after the money/parental issue. I continued to work hard and get myself prepared for what would be the start of the rest of my life. The next couple of months were a huge struggle with my parents and myself. My relationship with my parents was on a downward spiral and I was ready to give up. In addition to that stress, my mental health was not in good condition. Things felt as though they would never look up; I was very ready to get out of Norfolk County. In June 24th, I went behind my parents back and got my first tattoo. It was something I had been thinking about for a while. I had wanted something in memory of my Aunt Margo or my Grampa. So it came to be that I got a winged music note in memory of Margo. I was able to keep it a secret for about three weeks. Then, after a huge blowout with my friends; they told my parents that I had gotten a tattoo and all of the details. It ended with our friendship being finished. It was rough, but I believe it was something that made me a better and stronger person. The summer came and left so quickly but so much got accomplished. It was time to get myself all ready for college! I moved on August 31st; whether or not my parents were happy or ready, I will never know. It was the biggest thing that had ever happened to me. I was so ready for it and so excited, because I knew only great things would come from it. The first day of school came and I met some amazing people who I don't know what I would do without. Early October I managed to take my first ambulance ride, when I completely wiped out at school. It led to me in crutched/wheelchair and very frustrated Amy. Then, at the end of October came and I managed to contract the dreaded H1N1 virus, which meant two weeks off of school due to my illness. Even though I was gone, school pressed on, which left me assignments and five exams behind. Somehow I managed to pull through and I made it! Next was November-it was my big champagne birthday (20 on the 20th.) It was an amazing party and I have so many photos and memories. Soon after, I found out my brother's girlfriend was pregnant. Now, usually this is a blessing; however, when girlfriend is 16, brother is 18 and both are definately not mature or stable enough for a baby, it's definately a nightmare. In December, I made some poor decisions and ended up with a broken heart and bruised ego, after I got walked away from by a boy who I thought was something more than he obviously was. It was a really hard time and it brought about a lot of tears but again, it made me stronger. Also around this time, I reconcilliated with my old best friend, Cassandra, which has been a Godscent. With Decemeber also came my first set of finals at college. It was an intense week filled with stress and multiple energy drinks. I am proud to report back that I ended up passing all of my classes and ended up with a 3.43 GPA-something I can be proud of I think! I returned home for Christmas break and things seemed fairly good-however things can change in the blink of an eye. One night, Cassandra and I were driving back to her place and we ended up hitting a patch of ice and slid right into the ditch, almost rolling. We somehow managed to get back out of the ditch and continued on our way after a flood of happy, yet terrified tears. I certainly believe we had a guardian angel that night! Also around that time, I went out with a guy who I had been friends with for a long time; things were going well, until I found out he had a girlfriend, but she was "not working out for him." Yeah, needless to say, I was done. I'm fairly sure that I'm finished with guys for a long while. I think I might become an alcoholic lesbian with a pet tea cup piglet named Daisy! Yeah, that sounds fantastic to me! Things have been spiraling downward with my family again but I'm praying for a miracle.


Thank you for the memories 2009! Here is to a happy and healthy 2010!
All the best.
LOVExo